THE MARVELOUS NEW OPTIONS OF OBAMACARE © Clyde James Aragon As Democrats work well into cold Washington evenings trying to hammer out a socialized medicine plan they can ram down America's throat, they have been stymied in this over agreement on a Public Option - a government-run health plan competing with private insurance plans. While this controversial item has them bickering openly at times, there are five other options that could easily make any new medical plan palatable to not only themselves but to the American people, as well. They are, in no particular order: The Billy Mays Option - Named after the TV pitchman who recently passed away after trying to self-medicate himself with cocaine, this option would help us all by allowing us to purchase, at public expense, the many miracle cures seen on late night television. Erectile function, obesity, acne would become things of the medical past if we could legitimately get our hands on the magical pills, powders, creams, and orthopedic devices offered in the wee hours of morning. And, since these would make us all so virile and healthy, I think we'd be more than happy to pay the shipping and handling charges ourselves. The Veterinarian Option - Dogs and cats are barely a rung below us on the evolutionary ladder and that's why we should be allowed to see the veterinarian of our choice for affordable, quality health care. Given to working with patients who can't speak, veterinarians will literally be in hog heaven when they can get an answer to that age-old medical question: "Where does it hurt?" Plus, you can expect a tasty treat every time you get weighed. The Family-Member-Who's-Really-Handy-With-Tools Option - We cut each others hair, we do communal laundry, we even make lunch time cheese sandwiches for the family on occasion. So why not let the geeky, bright one of the family earn a little extra cash and keep the family in tip top shape by doing a bit of sideline medical treatments. Broken arms could be set, gashes could be bandaged, rashes could be treated, even minor surgery could be performed to relieve the awful pain of bunions and hemorrhoids if only Junior could get his hands on real medical equipment. You know he's just itching to try it. The Auto Mechanic Option - If your car doctor can be trusted to replace an engine, why shouldn't we extend him the same faith in swapping out a heart, kidney, or hip. Draining knees, aligning curved spines, even repairing that pacemaker that conked out at the company picnic, you can expect excellent care between 8 a.m. and 5:00 p.m. And now, for the first time since the days of Hippocrates, we can expect a 90-day guarantee on all work performed. Sweet. Finally, we could go far to resolve the differences between Americans on the issue of health care if we had... The Twin Option - Comprised of a Leave-Me-The-Hell-Alone Option and a For-Democrats-Only Option, the former would satisfy the independent nature of conservatives and the latter would provide liberals with the health care plan they truly deserve. And in the end, isn't that what it's all about, getting along with one another, running together side by side in peace and harmony until our Democrat friends die of mange? Kumbaya, baby! Options, options, options. Let's start thinking outside the I.C. unit and give new proposals a chance. # # # FREE STAGE PLAY! Clyde James Aragon is offering his new play, "THE HEALTH REFORM PLAN TOWN HALL MEETING - THE NON-MUSICAL", free of charge to anyone interested in performing or reading it. It is a ten-minute comedy play about the health care 'reform' bill and is a humorous way of looking at a very scary situation. Curious, but informed citizens, meet at a town hall meeting to ask questions of their representatives on Health Care Reform. Great for Tea Party meetings, conservative gatherings, or wherever Americans concerned about this crazy new 'health reform' program come together. It is available on LibertyMaven.com as a text file or as a downloadable PDF at: http://libertymaven.com/2009/11/18/the-health-reform-town-hall-meeting-the-non-musical/8060/ * * * This play is being distributed free of charge and the author, Clyde James Aragon, only asks that, should it be performed or read, no admission be charged to audiences and that the author be given credit as having written it. * * * #     #     # TAKING HOME THE PRIZES © Clyde James Aragon Now that Barack Obama has received the Nobel Peace Prize for disarming America, let us look at other awards he should be considered for and the reason for him getting them: Academy Award: Oscar for Best Actor - he's not really a President but he plays one in the White House Grammy Award - best teleprompter soundtrack from "Why America Damned Well Needs My Medical Program" Cy Young - for throwing America a curve whenever he speaks Heisman Trophy - for running roughshod over the Constitution while trying to push his socialist agenda Pulitzer Prize - while probably written by someone else, Barack Obama's book "Dreams from My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance" is a riveting, if fictional, accounting of his early life. This one is somewhat suspect, though, as he has an actual book with his name on it Enrico Fermi Award - for proposing to maybe create green energy which may be created in some form in our life times and which probably won't be affordable by the general public most of whom will wish they could afford it as they freeze to death in their darkened homes James Beard Foundation Culinary Prize - for cooking the books first, on the U.S. budget, and then on the imaginary cost of his socialized medicine plans Murchison Award - in geographical sciences for putting America back on the map Gold Medal of the Royal Astronomical Society - just for being a star in his own right World Food Prize - has shown us that people can and will swallow anything Lesilie Fox Prize for Numerical Analysis - in creating a Washingtonian model for mathematics he has shown us that 2 and 2 sure as hell don't equal 4 Wolf Prize in Agriculture - found a new use for political b.s. Comstock Prize in Physics - while smashing heads in Congress he's shown us that congressmen's heads really are filled with nothing Fukuoka Asian Culture Prize - because he fairly exudes culture and has nice suits Aga Khan Award for Architecture - for building a house of cards of the American economy with his trillion dollar deficits Rabbi Martin Katzenstein Award - for his spirited defense of Israel - not! Gold Medal for Outstanding Contribution to Public Discourse - no one has discoursed as much as him. Vision for Europe Award - by taking nuclear defense missiles out of Poland and the Czech Republic we see his vision of Europe to be that of a barren, flattened wasteland Royal Order of the Lion - because he likes lions Order of the Cross of the Eagle - because he's been giving America the bird since he gained office Order of the Golden Fleece - need we even bother to comment on this one? Mr. Universe Award - because the world is way too small to honor him Norbert Wiener Prize in Applied Mathematics - just because this is a funny-sounding prize #     #     # THE UNPATRIOTIC MEDIA © Clyde James Aragon "Compelling Kids To Say Pledge (of Allegiance) Is Unpatriotic" reads the headline of Albuquerque Journal newspaper writer Thomas J. Cole's latest article. Yet it was this same newspaper that recently published an editorial chastising parents for exercising their control over their own children to not have them listen to Barack Obama's sanitized speech to the schoolchildren of this nation. Granted, we don't want any prissy liberal to be offended by love of country and surely that's why I have yet to see patriotism displayed in the pages of this newspaper. At best, we get grudging coverage of pro-military pro-America rallies where attendance numbers are reduced to take into account the way the reporter's feeling that day. I suppose it's unpatriotic to expect our modern newspapers with their sour, jaded writers to scribble anything praising America but it never used to be that way. Trite, corny, unabashed love of country used to be the norm, now its just dark, sarcastic, self-hatred wistfully wishing we would end this marvelous country and move back into the Neanderthal age. Watching the Journal run through its one-sided antics is no different than observing the rest of our out-of-stream mainstream media. They make heroes of those who bash this wonderful country and ignore or belittle those who try to uplift it. And all of this allows them to take a slap at the media's nemesis - talk radio - calling it Hate Radio. Excuse me, but what's so hateful about it? Frankly, it's the only place you find the rest of the story and not the biased one-sided propaganda this newspaper and the rest of the media tries to pass off as information. In fact, 'Hate Radio' is the only place I hear America talked about in positive terms. Here in New Mexico we are surrounded by military bases, and the minute they try to close any of them they have a hissy fit. Yet they print damned little that supports the morale of our military. Mostly they magnify individual misbehavior making it appear the norm and the only time they're truly concerned about military casualties is when Republican presidents are in charge. My how journalism has changed. I suppose I'm terribly old but I remember comedian Red Skelton reading a very emotional interpretation of the Pledge of Allegiance. I remember Senator Everett Dirksen's record "Gallant Men" about famous men in American history. I even remember when television stations in this town used to sign off late at night by playing the Star Spangled Banner and even the Prayer of Saint Francis of Assissi. There never was a need to hide one's feelings of admiration for God and country. Whenever I see articles like those of Mr. Cole, I am reminded of Oscar Wilde's definition of a cynic: a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. #     #     # THE BIG LIBERAL JOKE © Clyde James Aragon This big-time liberal dies and -poof!- he finds himself before the Lord. The Lord gets his name, looks him up in His Big Book and then says, "I see you've been a loyal Democrat. You gave to all the leftist causes, supported all the liberal politicians, and never missed voting for every tax they proposed. I'd say you've earned your just reward. I'm sending you to where you liberals all belong." In a flash, the man showed up in what must have seemed like paradise: a beautiful lush Eden with trees and flowers and babbling brooks all under a blinding azure sky. And he saw delicate colored cottages where people lived. He walked around and came upon some people who were out taking a leisurely stroll. "What a beautiful day it is," he greeted them. "We could use rain," said one man. "Or a cool breeze," said a woman. "Or a cloud once in a while," said another man. The liberal nodded and thought these were odd things to say given that this was such a nice place. He walked on and came upon a man sitting on a swing in front of his house. "You look comfortable," he shouted. "Eh, all this thing does is go back and forth. It should have a radio on it. And it should rock itself. I shouldn't have to push it at all. And it should have a cup holder. And---" The liberal stopped him. "But you have such a wonderful house." "This public housing sucks. The floors are too shiny." The liberal gave up and strode on. He came to a cafe and entered. Inside, the people were seated, enjoying fine meals. "Greetings," he said to all from the doorway. "This looks like a great place to eat." "Free meals," said one fellow. "Finally," thought the liberal, "people who appreciate the good life." "But there's not enough salt in the food," said a lady. "How do they expect us to eat this stuff?" "And we should get our coffee refills faster," said another. "Sometimes we wait 30 seconds before our cups are filled. We shouldn't have to wait so long. This is terrible." The liberal just shook his head. He went on and encountered the same thing: people complaining everywhere about everything. He didn't understand. These were his brethren, liberal friends. Later, he went to see the Lord. "Lord, the place you sent me to is beautiful, perfect in every way. I'm surrounded by my fellow liberals. But all they do is complain all day. Somehow I thought Heaven would be different." And the Lord said, "Who said I sent you to Heaven?" #     #     # SAVING MONEY UNDER DR. OBAMA © Clyde James Aragon Barack Obama's head first slide into reforming the nation's medical industry comes with his determination to cut healthcare costs. Thus, tucked away in the 1,018 pages of H.R. 3200 - America's Affordable Health Choices Act of 2009 - are Obama-conceived options for substituting inexpensive alternatives for costly medical procedures: PROCEDURE   --   OBAMA SUBSTITUTE cataract surgery   --   seeing eye pound puppy coronary angioplasty   --   can of compressed air physical exam with X-ray   --   a walk through airport security tubal ligation   --   chastity belt brain surgery   --   aspirin jaw surgery   --   Jack LaLanne Power Juicer hip or knee replacement   --   crutches heart transplant   --   rosary Finally, a vast amount of money will be saved by replacing autopsies with obituaries. In a nod to conservatives and the religious, he has dubbed all this his 'single prayer' plan. #     #     #